Deciding When to Stop Driving
The Discussion: When to Stop Driving
Your mother has driven a car safely for 40, maybe 50, years. She prides herself on her driving skill and values the independence it affords her. But as the birthdays pile on, your concern for her safety behind the wheel grows. She hasn't had an accident yet, but you have reason to suspect that her eyes aren't what they used to be.
When is the Right Time to Have that Conversation?
According to The Hartford, the best answer is now, before her driving skills begin to noticeably decline – when safety becomes a life-or-death issue and emotions are running high. So yes, the sooner you have that talk, the better, but don't broach the subject unprepared.
Here are some questions you'll need to think about first:
- Who should do the talking? A Hartford/MIT survey found that 50% of married drivers prefer to hear about driving concerns from their spouses. Doctors are a close second, followed by adult children. Most older drivers living alone prefer to hear first from their doctors, followed by adult children, close friends, or other supportive helpers. Preference for adult children breaking the ice increases when drivers are over 70.
- What should I know before initiating the conversation? Know the warning signs of potential driving problems. Is your relative easily distracted while driving? Has parking become erratic? Is the driver less confident or do they fail to notice traffic activity to the right or left? Are there signs of scraping on the car, fence, or mailbox? These are just a few of the signs. Try to observe the driver over time to see if troublesome patterns emerge.
- Should I consult my relative's doctor beforehand? It's advisable to consult a physician to determine what information you need to provide, given the person's specific vision issues.
- What about conversation starters? Are there especially appropriate times to break the ice? While it's best not to wait for a serious accident, obviously, 50 percent of older drivers surveyed reported being more open to a discussion about driving safety after a bad accident. Minor scrapes and near-misses are also opportunities to broach the subject. You could also express concern over a new medicine your parent may be taking and how that might affect driving. You may have even noticed that the driver has taken steps on his or her own, such as stopping night driving, for instance. Use this: "Dad, I'm glad you've decided to cut back on night driving."
- What do I do if the person reacts badly? It's very possible that your older relative agrees with your assessment that driving is no longer safe and will have to stop. That won't necessarily make the idea easier to hear or deal with. Nearly a quarter of older adults report feeling depressed by this conversation; 10% said they felt anger. Remember, though, that the cause for these feelings is the message, not the messenger. The important thing is remain calm and respectful, and be prepared to have several conversations before achieving your goal. Whatever strategy you ultimately choose, don't let fear or guilt prevent you from following through.
More Information to Help with the Discussion
- The Hartford Family Conversations with Older Drivers: Safe Driving for a Lifetime. The information on this page was adapted from this booklet, available online and in print from the Hartford Financial Services Group, Inc.
- AARP. Caring for Parents: Talking to Older Parents about Independence. This page gives you tips on having difficult conversations with older relatives.
Making the Decision to Stop Driving
For many people, being able to drive means independence. If you're losing your vision, deciding to give up driving could be one of the most difficult decisions you make. Fortunately, there may be transportation alternatives in your community.
If you're trying to make a decision on whether to drive, these articles may help:
- Driving with Low Vision
- AARP: When to Stop Driving
- AARP: 10 Vision Safety Tips for Older Drivers
- National Institute on Aging: AgePage: Older Drivers
Claude Wood Video
NARRATOR: A bald man wearing shirt and string tie.
CLAUDE: About three years ago, I began to see things a little bit fuzzy, and my son noticed that I was having a little trouble reading street signs. So I went to my doctor, and he said, well, he says, you've got degeneration in your eyes.
Tough Decision: Giving Up Driving
CLAUDE: My son came down one day and he said, I come down to visit with you a little bit, and I said, listen, I came home from church last night and I saw all the cars were running toward me. I said, I think I'm going to have to quit driving. He wiped his brow and he said, "Boy, am I glad you said that because, he said, "I come down here to talk to you about giving me your car keys."
Advice on Staying Positive
CLAUDE: If you're blind, that's not the end of the world. Come on, you can read if you get hooked up with a talking book. You can listen to radio. And I have my neighbors, sometimes they'll be out for a walk, they'll just come knock on the door and walk in for a little while. That lifts your spirits a little bit, you know.